Between Darkness and Light
by TheWillowTree
Summary: 4th in Choices and Consequences Series. Sequel to Expectations. Willow wakes up, but something's not quite right.
1. Chapter 1

Between Darkness and Light, Part 1  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
  
  
It's dark here. I don't know where here is, exactly, but it's dark. I feel like I'm floating through a cold, black mist. It's not uncomfortable, but I don't know where I am or why I'm here or why I don't know the answers to these questions, and that's disturbing. To my left, there's some sort of light, but I can't get to it. There's a shadow wall preventing me from reaching it. Or that's the best I can describe it. It's a darkness, and I cannot pass through it. On the other side, there is only emptiness. But I can't reach it, either, for I am blocked in by what seems to be a wall of light. I am trapped here, in the middle of something, but I don't know what it is. The light and darkness are getting more extreme, as if they were coming nearer, and the walls are moving in, too. I don't like this place, and I'm feeling slightly claustrophobic. Maybe if I try hard enough, I can get through a wall, but which should I try? Light looks safer, so I run as fast as I can into the wall of shadows. To my surprise, I pass through it. I am almost to the comforting safety of the light, when the blackness behind me begins to pull me back. Determined not to give up, I continue forward. I reach the light and bask in its warmth, certain that I made the right decision. Then everything goes dark as I fall into nothingness.  
  
  
  
My eyes flash open as I brace myself for the end of the fall. But it never comes. I take in the red velvet canopy above my head and relax back onto the bed, reassured that it was only a dream. My eyes begin to close before they snap open once more. I don't have a canopy bed. Or…I look around me… black silk sheets. This isn't my room, but I don't know where "this" is, or how I got there. Panic begins to build up inside me, and I sit up, looking for something to tell me where I am and a way out of wherever that may be. The room is a girl's bedroom, that much is certain. Besides the canopy bed, a shelf of dolls lines one wall and a trunk sat at the foot of the bed. A vanity sat against another wall, and a closet occupied the fourth. Then I saw it. A door in the corner between the vanity wall and the closet wall, across the room from where I sat. I was about to climb out of bed and try the door when it opened.  
  
"Hello, pet. Did you have a nice nap?" Spike stood in the doorway, holding a goblet of crimson liquid. Frightened of the British vampire, I backed away, to the far edge of the bed. "What's the matter, aren't you hungry?"  
  
I am. And my teeth hurt. Ache is more the word. Like I have growing pains in my mouth. And I'm longing to taste the contents of that glass. I know it is blood, but that only makes me want it more. It doesn't make sense. Why would I want to drink blood? And what is Spike doing here?  
  
Then the memories come back. Spike in my room. Our deal. Me in the cemetery. Spike's promise. Pain and dizziness. Blackness. I'm not Willow the 'Net Girl anymore. Now I am Willow the Vampire. But if I'm a vampire, why is all of this confusing? Why am I not eager to hunt and kill? I know I need blood to survive, and Spike will be sure to notice if I refuse to drink, so I decide to go through the motions, so to speak, of being a vampire until I could figure this out.  
  
"Come on, pet. You have to eat something, or you'll die. I know it's not as fresh as if you'd killed him yourself, but you have to gain your strength first." Again, he offers me the glass. This time, I accept it eagerly and drain its contents. "There, now. That wasn't so bad, was it? Soon you'll be strong enough to hunt and there'll be no stopping us. You'll get your first slayer, and the rest of your ex-friends, and then we'll return to Europe."  
  
He expects me to kill Buffy? Of course he does. The first thing vampires do is kill their family and friends. Spike did, as did Angel. Drusilla probably would have if Angel hadn't done it for her already. That's why he agreed so quickly to not killing them. He knew I would do it gladly. But how can I? And why don't I want to? Giles would know. I have to talk to Giles and make him listen to me. Of course part of that will include convincing him not to kill me, but I can handle that somehow. I crawl across the bed towards the door, but Spike stops me.  
  
"Where are you going? You're not strong enough to hunt yet, and you know it."  
  
"Giles…" I continue to try to leave.  
  
"Not yet, my sweet. But there will be time for the Watcher and all of your little playmates. But first you must rest. Then you can play." He gently pushes me back among the pillows and covers me with the sheets. "Rest," he commands once again before leaving the room. 


	2. Chapter 2

Between Darkness and Light, Part 2  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
  
  
It's dark again. I'm back in the room. And the light and dark are stronger. I can feel them pulling on each other. Again, they are equally strong, and each prevents the other from taking me. Once again, the decision is up to me. I cannot stay here, that much I know. The longer I am here, the less certain I am of anything. I must choose one or the other. The light seems comforting, but there is a coldness in that comfort. I remember choosing the light before, but now I am back. Where did I go? Perhaps the dark will hold some answers for me. I once again run with all my strength, this time through the wall of light and into the inky blackness. This time there is no light, only darkness surrounding me. I am afraid, for the dark is entwining itself around and through me. And then even that fades, leaving me, once again, in nothing.  
  
*****  
  
"Spike?" I murmur as my eyes flutter open.  
  
"Yes, pet?" He was sitting there, watching me sleep. How sweet.  
  
"I'm hungry." I sit up and face him. "And bored."  
  
"I'll bet you are. Here you go. Drink up." He hands me a glass, which I eye distastefully.  
  
"It's cold. Can't I get my own?" My eyes light up at the thought of a hunt.  
  
"Willow, you're weak. I already told you that. Besides, it's day. I really wouldn't suggest that you go out right now, unless you never want to hunt again. And believe me," he leans in close to me, staring deep into my eyes, looking into the demon that now replaces my soul, "it's worth the wait."  
  
"All right." I pout, taking the glass from him. I drain the contents slowly, savoring the rich bittersweetness of the crimson liquid. I hand the glass back to Spike. "But I'm still bored."  
  
"Well, then. We'll just have to do something about that, won't we?"  
  
*****  
  
The sun is descending. I can feel it in my veins. It is time for the hunt. Spike said I could choose the first victim tonight, in celebration of my birth. But I don't want to kill anyone yet. I want to play first. My parents are out of town, as usual, so I can't play with them yet. So we'll go visit some old friends first.  
  
"Ready, Princess?" Spike calls me from the doorway.  
  
"Of course, Milord." I rise from the vanity stool and glide to stand beside him. He takes my hand in his and together we walk out into the night.  
  
*****  
  
"Look at them, Spike. They look so sad. They shouldn't be sad, it's not good." I point to where Xander, Cordelia, and Oz sit watching the naïve residents of Sunnydale dance.  
  
"They look like they're mourning the loss of a dear friend. Now who could they be missing?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe they miss Buffy. Who else could it be? After all, they don't have that many friends, and I'm right here."  
  
"Why don't you go find out what's making them so sad, ducks?" I leave him with a sly smile and make my way over to the group.  
  
"Hey guys. What's up?"  
  
"Nothing. Buffy's still gone, and now Willow's --"  
  
"Right here." Oz interrupts Xander, unfazed by my presence.  
  
"Willow? You're here? Of course you're here. If you weren't here, I couldn't be talking to you. Where were you? We got a letter saying you were gone and never coming back."  
  
"Xander, whoa. Not so tight. I need to breathe too." He releases me from the tight embrace and I pretend to gasp for air. "I know I said I'd be gone, but things changed, and now I'm back. Cordelia, you okay?" The girl continues to stare at me.  
  
"When did you learn to accessorize? You look… like you actually glanced at a fashion magazine from this year."  
  
I looked at my clothes: a green velvet top and a long black skirt with a side slit. Spike had taste, that much was certain. "Oh, I just felt like dressing up a bit, that's all. Now, why were you looking all sad when I came in?"  
  
"Well, you said… We thought you were…" Xander fumbles for the right word.  
  
"Dead?" Cordelia supplies the missing adjective.  
  
"You gave up on me that fast? Remind me never to play an April Fool's joke on you. But everything's alright now, right? Well, except that Buffy's still gone, and Sunnydale is still on a Hellmouth."  
  
"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up." Oz concurs.  
  
"Well, if we have no reason to be sad, let's party!" Cordelia protests weakly as Xander drags her out to the dance floor.  
  
"They look so happy together, don't they, Oz?"  
  
"Yeah. Hey, Willow, I need to talk to you about something, okay? And it's not really something I can do with lots of people around."  
  
"Oh. Do you want to go outside? There's not many people out there and we could talk."  
  
"Sure." He takes my hand and leads me out to the alley behind the Bronze. "Now, before I go into this, I need to ask you a question."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Are you over Xander?"  
  
"Yeah, I am. I mean, it wasn't easy, but I'm okay with it now. And I'm happy for the two of them. Cordy makes him happy, and he deserves it. So yeah, I'm over him."  
  
"Good. That makes what I'm about to say easier. When we got your letter, it nearly tore us apart. First Buffy left us unprotected, and then you disappear and say you'll never be back. Willow, I was at your house that night. Why didn't you say anything?"  
  
"Oz, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to --" How much longer am I going to have to be innocent Willow? I don't know how much of this I can take. It's a good thing we ate before we came, or Oz would be suffering from severe anemia right now, and then I couldn't play.  
  
"No, let me finish. The others were upset, but it hit me really hard. You were gone. I'd never thought about what would happen if you weren't part of my life. I'd taken your presence for granted, and then… you weren't there anymore. I didn't like that. I barely survived the last two days."  
  
"Oh, Oz. I'm so sorry."  
  
"Willow, promise me you won't do that again. I can't stand to think that one day you'll suddenly not be here any more."  
  
"I can't do that, Oz." Oh, goody. Here comes the fun part.  
  
"Why not. You said you were back. You don't have to leave again, do you?"  
  
"No, I'll be around for a bit."  
  
"Then why --"  
  
"Because I'm not that Willow anymore." I watch his face as my own morphs into its demonic visage. "Sorry, Oz, but your girlfriend is dead." I kiss him once, then walk away, leaving him to his confusion. "Your girlfriend is dead, Wolfie." My face changes back as I re-enter the Bronze. I have to get out fast, before Oz comes to his senses enough to come back in. I approach Xander and Cordelia, who are still dancing. "Hey, I'm gonna call it quits and go home. It's been a rough day."  
  
"Okay, Wills. We'll see you later." Xander and Cordelia's eyes never left each other. It'll be so much fun to destroy them. I walk towards the exit and join Spike.  
  
"Let's go. I've had my fun."  
  
"How was it?"  
  
"Definitely worth the wait. You were right, my black prince. But all that fun made me hungry again. Could we stop for a snack on the way home?"  
  
"Anything for you, my red queen."  
  
Hand in hand, we roamed the streets of Sunnydale, in search of dessert. 


	3. Chapter 3

Between Darkness and Light, Part 3  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
Once again, I am in the dark room, and once again, it is both brighter and darker than before. Did I ever leave? There is a nagging feeling in my mind that tells me that I did, but I do not remember going anywhere. I have taken both paths, and still I am here. This time, I will not choose. I sit in nothingness and wait. The light and dark get stronger and they begin to close in on me. It seems that they are battling for control of the space, and of me. I feel myself being pulled apart and pushed together as the two forces war against each other. I cannot take much more of this, and I pray that it will end soon. The conflict continues, and I am sure that I will not last to see the end. I do not wish for salvation at this point, only for an end, whatever it may be. The torment increases sharply, and I am ripped apart inside. The light has won, but not without some casualties. The dark has also claimed a piece of me. Finally, I can rest.  
  
*****  
  
I drift slowly back into consciousness. Someone is brushing my hair away from my face. "Oz?" I whisper.  
  
"Not yet, pet. There's still an hour until sunset. Then you can finish what you started last night." Spike. Not Oz. That means…  
  
"What I started?" I sat up suddenly and faced Spike, who was sitting beside me. No, no, no, no, no. This isn't happening. Memories of the previous night bombard my mind like a dream. Only, it's not a dream, or even a nightmare. It's real. But I didn't… I would never do something like that.  
  
Spike must sense my confusion. "Yes, Willow. Remember? We're going to play with your friends some more tonight."  
  
"Oh," I visibly relax. "Play. Not kill." The images wouldn't leave me alone. Why am I seeing this? I haven't done anything like these memories showed. I have to find Giles. He can help me figure this out.  
  
"Not yet."  
  
"Yet?"  
  
"Unless you want to step up the game. I'm always ready to bag another Slayer and her Watcher, but you wanted to play with them for a while before you killed them. But if you've changed your mind…"  
  
"No. No, play's good." Play gives me time to figure out what's going on without killing anyone. "Giles," I whisper, knowing he is my only hope.  
  
"So, it's the watcher tonight then? All right. After the sun goes down, you and I will go to the library. Until then, we'll have to amuse ourselves in some other way." He smiled darkly at me. Oh, help. Well, as long as I'm playing the game, I may as well play to win.  
  
"That sounds good to me." My voice is low as I lean toward him with a smile of my own. Our lips are almost touching when I speak again. "How good are you at… Monopoly?"  
  
* * * **  
  
Spike and I walk casually toward the library. Well, Spike's walking casually, and I'm trying my best to play the part of the evil, soul-less vampire intent on hurting those she loved so he won't suspect that there's anything unusual about me. But I don't know what I'm going to do. If the images plaguing my mind are actually memories of the previous night's events, then how am I going to get Giles and the others to trust me long enough to help me? Oz is sure to have told Xander and Cordelia what happened in the alley, and by now, they must have told Giles. They're probably trying to build up the strength to stake me, which might not be so bad. I mean, if I can't control what I do, then I don't want to wake up one evening and remember killing my friends. I think I can finally understand what Angel went through when the Romani restored his soul. No wonder he shut himself away from other people. And to know that it could happen again… that I could suddenly become evil and become what I have spent the last two years fighting. Death seems much more pleasant than dealing with that.  
  
"Is everything okay, pet?"  
  
"Hmm? Yeah, I'm fine, Spike. Why?"  
  
"You're just being awfully quiet. Last night, you couldn't stop talking about your plans for each and every one of… what did you call them… the Slayerettes?"  
  
"Oh, well, I'm thinking about my plans for tonight. And remembering the look on Oz's face when I left him." Well, it's not a total lie. I am trying to figure out how to explain what's going on, and I can't get the look of hurt and disbelief on Oz's face out of my mind.  
  
"I thought perhaps you were having second thoughts."  
  
"What? Why would you say that?" Oh no. He knows something's wrong. What do I do now?  
  
"I was being sarcastic, pet. I was joking. I saw you yesterday. I know you want nothing more than to hurt them until they beg for death. You've got quite a talent for creative torture. Touring Europe with you is going to be quite the adventure." He stops and faces me, waiting for something.  
  
"Why'd you stop?" Okay, now he expects me to be creative when I kill my friends and family. This just gets better every minute.  
  
"We're here."  
  
"Where? Oh, the school. Right. So we should go in and see them, huh?" Please don't hate me for this, guys. I don't want to do this, but how can I not, if Spike's watching?  
  
"Go ahead. I'll wait here for you, just like last night." He's not watching? Good. Why not?  
  
"You aren't coming with me?" I try my best not to sound relieved.  
  
"I made a promise not to hurt any of your friends. And I always keep my promises. Besides, I don't want to spoil your fun."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I'll be out here, in case you need me. But I don't think that's likely to happen."  
  
"Alright, Spike. I'll be back in a few minutes." Giles, please don't stake me when I walk in the door. 


	4. Chapter 4

Between Darkness and Light, Part 4  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
  
  
I walk silently down the hallway and pause outside the library door. If I were alive, I know my pulse would be rapid and my breathing unsteady. But I show no signs of nervousness. I can hear the conversation on the other side of the door.  
  
"But she's Willow! You can't kill her." Poor Xander. This must be killing him.  
  
"We have no choice, Xander. She's not Willow anymore. I know it will be hard, but we cannot allow the demon's resemblance to your friend distract you from what must be done." No, Giles! Don't give up on me. That wasn't me.  
  
"But -"  
  
"He's right, Xander." Not you, too, Oz. "That wasn't Willow. The way she acted… She wasn't the girl we knew."  
  
I almost turn and run from the library, but if I do, Spike will know that there is something different about me. And if I don't explain things now, I may never get the chance to. Gathering all my courage, I push the doors open and walk into the library.  
  
"Hey guys."  
  
The three men turn and face me suddenly. At first, none of them know what to do. Xander is the first to react. He runs up to me and pulls me into a tight hug. "Tell them it's not true. You're not a vampire, are you?"  
  
"Yes, I am, Xander." He immediately lets go of me and backs up as if I had burned him. "I'm sorry, but I am. But something went wrong. Giles, I have a soul."  
  
"Why should we believe you? Oz told us what happened at the Bronze last night. That was not the way the Willow we know acts."  
  
"I know, Giles. I don't know how to explain it, but -"  
  
"Giles, it's her. She's telling the truth." Thank you , Oz.  
  
"How do you -"  
  
"I just know. Maybe it's the werewolf, or maybe it's because I know her, but this is Willow."  
  
"Very well, then. Why don't you explain what happened, Willow."  
  
"It started the day I got out of my wheelchair."  
  
"But that was -" Oz interrupts me.  
  
"The day you came over, I know." I turn back to the others. "Someone came to the door, and I thought it was Oz, so I yelled for him to come on in. Only, it wasn't Oz. It was Spike. I was sure that he was going to kill me, but he didn't. He offered me a choice."  
  
"And you chose to become a vampire? How could you, Willow?"  
  
"It was the only choice I had, Xander. He told me I could either become a vampire, or he would kill me and all of you. Then he promised that he wouldn't hurt any of you if I went with him. I couldn't let him hurt you, so I asked for a day to decide and make all the necessary preparations. He agreed and left just before Oz got there. The next night, I waited for him at the cemetery, and he changed me."  
  
"That doesn't explain what happened at the Bronze."  
  
"I know, I'm not sure what happened either. I remember waking up, and I had no desire to hurt anyone. In fact, the very thought of being a vampire terrified me. I just knew that Spike would notice something wrong. But he didn't. He just told me to sleep. I must have woken again that night and gone to the Bronze, but I don't remember that at all. All I know is that I woke the next day a little before sundown, and it was like I was remembering a horrible dream. Only it wasn't a dream because Spike remembered it too. And you know what happened. I'm scared Giles. What if it happens again? I don't want to hurt anyone, but what if I have no control over my actions? Please help me."  
  
"Of course I will. I'll see if there are any other cases like this. In the meantime, don't let Spike know that you're not the same as other vampires."  
  
"But what if -"  
  
"If you lose your soul again, we will take you and keep you locked up somewhere. We won't kill you, but we won't let you hurt anyone either."  
  
"Thank you Giles. I'd better go then." I reluctantly stand and walk toward the door. "Spike's waiting for me."  
  
"We're here for you, Willow. Remember that. We'll figure out what happened and fix it. Come back tomorrow night, if you can, and we'll see what we've found." 


	5. Chapter 5

Between Darkness and Light, Part 5  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
  
  
"Well, Red, how did it go?" Spike greeted me as I walked down the steps outside the school.  
  
"Hmm? Oh, fine. Just fine." Oh, that's smart, Willow. Giles said not to let him know what's wrong, so you walk out thinking about the others. He's sure to notice that. Well maybe he won't. Maybe he'll just start to -  
  
"You alright, pet? You seem distracted."  
  
Great. Now what do I do? Confess everything and hope he doesn't stake me or leave me in the sun with no hope of escape? No. I may not want to be a vampire, but I really don't want to be dead-dead. "I'm fine, Spike, just thinking." Ow. All this stress is giving me a headache. I don't know how people can do this all the time.  
  
"So who's next? If we hurry, we can deal with them tonight, too." No, no, no, no, no! "There's still that prom queen, isn't there? We can stop by her place on the way to the mansion."  
  
"No!" No, please tell me I didn't say that out loud. Please, please, please let me wake up and find that this was all a dream.  
  
"Why not? The sooner we kill them all, the sooner we can leave this place and all its bloody memories behind."  
  
Okay, think fast. Need an excuse…. Why wouldn't a vampire want to kill her friends? I need a Tylenol. Do regular vampires get headaches, or is this another side-effect of being me? "Not tonight, Spike. They bore me. And Cordelia probably wouldn't even scream for me. I don't want to play with her right now." Please let him accept that. Please stop my head from splitting in two. I close my eyes for a moment and the pain lessens as darkness surrounds me.  
  
"Then what do you want to do?"  
  
I open my eyes and everything is clear again. The darkness shows the way. I must not fight it, that brings the pain. The dark is peaceful, and inviting. "I want to play with you."  
  
"More Monopoly, pet?"  
  
"Uh-uh. That's game's no fun anymore. I picked last time, so now it's your turn. Besides, I'm sure you could come up with something much more… interesting than a long, drawn-out board game. Maybe that's why they call them that, because you get so bored playing them."  
  
"Actually, I think it's more because they're played on a board. But that's a good reason, too. I love the way your mind works."  
  
"So what will we be doing tonight, Spike? We can do anything you want, as long as it doesn't involve my friends. They're mine to deal with as I see fit."  
  
"Why don't we go home and see what we can find to play with. I'm sure there are some fun toys there, and if all else fails, we can pick up a piñata."  
  
"Sounds good to me. One question, though?"  
  
"Yes, Red?"  
  
"Why a piñata, Spike? I mean, sure, hitting things is always fun, but a candy-filled balloon?"  
  
"That's a human's version of a piñata. We're vampires."  
  
"I know. But what does that…. Oh! I'm beginning to like this idea. Maybe we could forget the toys and bring our own?"  
  
"Whatever you say, pet. Whatever you say." 


	6. Chapter 6

Between Darkness and Light, Part 6  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
  
  
"Willow…… Come on, Red, time to get up. The sun went down over an hour ago."  
  
Mmmm… don't wanna get up. "Five more minutes, Mom," I mumble. It's so nice and dark with my eyes closed.  
  
"You're late for school."  
  
"What? I'm up, honest! I can't be late for school. I'll ruin my perfect attendance record, and ---"  
  
"I'm just kidding, pet. Well, you are late for school, by about 12 hours."  
  
"Spike, why'd you wake me up? I need my sleep." I roll back over in the large bed and start to pull the sheets back over my head.  
  
"Not so fast." Spike stops me. "It's not my fault you stayed up so late pummeling that kid. What did he ever do to you?"  
  
"I used to tutor him, which means that I did his homework for him. Besides, the piñata is supposed to break and spill treats, not just hang there screaming. Though that was a nice touch. But he didn't put up much of a fight, did he?"  
  
"No, but that's usually a result of having your limbs bound and hung from the ceiling. Remind me never to get on your bad side." He pulled me up so that he sat behind me and began to massage my shoulders.  
  
"Keep that up, and it'll never happen."  
  
"Is something bothering you, Willow?"  
  
"Why, should there be?"  
  
"No. You're just awfully tense for someone who just woke up. Especially for someone who slept as long as you did."  
  
"Mmmmm," I whimper as he finds a particularly tight muscle. "I didn't sleep well last night. I kept seeing these --"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What did you keep seeing?"  
  
"I… I don't remember. I remember waking up and being hungry, but everything else is a blank. How did you get over here so fast?"  
  
"I've been sitting here for nearly twenty minutes waiting for you to wake up. I wasn't here when you woke up?" Spike let go of my shoulders and moved to sit in front of me.  
  
"No." What's wrong with me? Why can't I remember? "I woke up, and then the door opened. You came in, and you were carrying something."  
  
"Do you remember what that was?"  
  
"Uh-uh. Wait, yes. It was a glass… a goblet. You were bringing me something to drink. I was hungry, but I didn't want what you'd brought me. Why didn't I want it?" My mind races as I try vainly to recall anything else. "And then you were behind me asking me what I was seeing. Am I missing much?"  
  
"Cor, Red. That was nearly a week ago. You're telling me that you forgot a whole week of torture and blood?"  
  
"Yes… No… I don't know Spike. What's wrong with me?"  
  
"I don't know, pet. But I don't want you going out alone until we find out. You get some rest, and I'll have someone bring you something to eat." He walks out of the room, leaving me to think things over.  
  
Why can't I remember? What can I remember? My name is Willow Rosenberg. He's Spike, a vampire. I'm living here with him, which means that… either Spike's given up killing, or… Wait, he mentioned blood and torture, so he hasn't given up killing. That means… I walk over to the cracked mirror on the bureau. Just as I feared… no reflection. "I'm a vampire." 


	7. Chapter 7

Between Darkness and Light, part 7  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
I gaze into the mirror at my nonexistent reflection. I'm a vampire. I don't remember dying, or do I? There was a meeting in the cemetery…. Something about a deal. But what was it? I am startled by a pair of arms wrapping themselves around my waist. I can't see who it is, so I struggle to free myself but am stopped by a low growl by my ear.  
  
"Willow, stop." Spike's voice halts all of my movement, and I stand still, gazing not at our images, but through where they should have been to the back of the room through the cracked glass. "I thought I told you to get some rest."  
  
"You did, Spike, but I--"  
  
"You are going to rest and try to remember while I figure out what has caused this." He lifts me easily in his arms and carries me back to the bed.  
  
"Spike?" This is going to sound so stupid. I can't believe I'm asking him this, but I need to know. I need to just look him in the eye and ask him how--  
  
"Yes, Ducks?" Okay, maybe forget the looking him in the eye part. Maybe if I just stare as the sheets and ask, it'll be easier. I mean it's not that I'm afraid of him or anything, but… I mean, what can he do, kill me? I should not have said that. He could kill me. Or come very close to it, at least. That might be worse. There's a lot of painful stuff that I can live through now, and… He's staring at me. Why is he staring at me? What does he want? "What is it?"  
  
Oh yeah, my question. I drop my head to avoid his piercing gaze. "Well, you see, it's just… It's really nothing, but I was just --"  
  
"Willow." His hand grasps my chin and forced me to meet his eyes with my own. "Look at me when you want to talk to me."  
  
I start to lower my head in submission, but his grip keeps my jaw lifted. I may as well get it over with. "How long have I been a vampire?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"How long have I been dead? I know it's stupid, but I need to know. I need to know how much I've forgotten."  
  
"Nothing you say is ever stupid, Red. You were one of the smartest humans I've ever met, and you make a brilliant vampire. You've been undead since Thursday."  
  
"And today is… Friday?"  
  
"Tuesday."  
  
"Oh. So I'm missing five days, right?"  
  
"It looks that way."  
  
"What about… Are… Have I killed anyone yet?"  
  
"Not yet. You've messed with their minds a bit, but they still have pulses, or so you've said."  
  
"You don't know?"  
  
"Cor, you really don't remember, do you?"  
  
I shake my head slowly. "No. I want to, though. It's just… I don't even know what I'm supposed to remember. I think I remember something, but then I realize that it was either from when I was human, or just made up. Things that could never happen."  
  
"Like what? You'd be amazed at what vampires are capable of."  
  
"We didn't save Camelot from an elephant stampede or use a person as a piñata, did we?"  
  
"Yes, on the piñata, no on the elephants."  
  
"I… you mean… we really… with the pipe and the blood?"  
  
"Yup. Last night. We were discussing it when you… forgot."  
  
"Oh. So, why don't you know who's still alive?"  
  
"I promised you… the human you… that I wouldn't kill them. And I always keep my word. I may be a blood-sucking demon, but I do have standards."  
  
"I remember something about a promise. I remember going to the cemetery and talking to you, but the whole night is kind of a blur. But it doesn't feel like it's missing."  
  
"Missing?"  
  
"Yeah, the other things I remember are fuzzy, too, but they feel like a puzzle that doesn't have all the pieces. This just seems like I'm looking at it through a foggy lens."  
  
"Well, it did happen pretty fast. Now, I brought you back here so you could get some rest, not to play Twenty Questions."  
  
"But I --"  
  
"I know you're trying to remember, but you need to sleep. You were complaining about being tired earlier, so I want you to lay back and at least take a nap. Who knows? It could bloody well be the cure to your memory problem. Meanwhile, I'll see if I can find a cause for this in one of those books in the library. Maybe I'll beat up… I mean *visit* Willy and see what he knows. I'll be back later with someone for you to eat. Now, rest." He pushes me back into the pillows, then stands and crosses to the door. After it closes, I can hear the lock turning. He certainly doesn't intend for me to go out tonight. Well, if it's rest he wants, then that's what I'll get. I stare at the ceiling as if it were the night sky and I could count the stars. It's going to be a long night. 


	8. Chapter 8

Between Darkness and Light, Part 8  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
Bored now. Spike's been gone for hours. I tried sleeping, but it's not working. I'm scared. That's something you don't hear everyday. A vampire admitting fear. Of herself. I mean, it's the forgetting to care that's supposed to make the whole killing and maiming thing fun, but when the forgetting thing gets out of control, it is scary. I don't know what to do. Spike's being so wonderful about it, and he's sure that he'll find the cause and the cure for this, but I'm not so sure. Maybe ha can find something similar, but what if the cure doesn't work? Will I continue to forget? Or will I just have this hole in my memory?  
  
I'm not like other vampires. Or am I? What are other vampires like? I know what the Slayer and her Watcher told me before I died, but I don't know anymore. They said that vampires are soulless killers incapable of human emotions. Maybe that is true. But what about non-human emotions? Spike seems to care about me, and not just because he's my sire. He certainly doesn't spend this much time doting on any other fledglings. But even if vampires aren't what I'd been taught that they were, there's still something different about me. Something just feels wrong. And it's nagging at the corner of my mind, but I can't seem to grasp it. I'm supposed to be resting, but I can't. Not until I find answers to some of these questions. I sigh and lie back in the bed and stare at the ceiling once again as the door opens and Spike reenters the room, carrying an unconscious young girl.  
  
"What are you doing, pet?" He sets the girl in the corner and shuts the door.  
  
"I'm naming all the stars." I reply sarcastically. Spike pauses for a moment. Maybe my sarcastic voice needs a little work.  
  
"That's the ceiling, luv." Something's bothering him. But what?  
  
"I know that, Spike. I was joking."  
  
"Oh." He's still lost in thought.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, nothing. Just unwanted memories coming back."  
  
"That doesn't seem quite fair."  
  
"Run that by me again?"  
  
"Here I am with a shortage of memories, and you've got an excess. It doesn't seem fair to me."  
  
Spike laughs and moves to the edge of the bed. "No, it doesn't, does it?" I made Spike laugh. But why did I need to? Did I do something wrong?  
  
"What was it?"  
  
"What was what?"  
  
"Now you sound like me. What was the memory?"  
  
"Drusilla. She said that once, when she was… before she got her strength back."  
  
"Oh. I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be. It's not your fault."  
  
Great. Now I've gone and made him all broody, like Angel. Note to self: Don't say anything that could remind Spike of an insane vampire. What would remind him of her? How do I keep from sounding insane? Was she really insane? Or maybe she was the only sane one, and we're all insane. That certainly puts a new perspective on things, doesn't it?  
  
"Willow? Are you still there?"  
  
"Hmm? I'm here. Just thinking. Willow thoughts. You miss her, don't you?"  
  
"Every day. Well, usually every night, but you know what I mean."  
  
"Yeah, I do. Spike… am I a weird vampire?"  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"Am I a weird vampire? Do I seem any different than any of the others?"  
  
"Yes." I knew it. There's something wrong with me. "You are different, but that's common. You were quite the unique human, as I recall. That carries over."  
  
"So it's normal to be weird. Well, that makes the kind of sense that's not."  
  
"Not what?"  
  
"Not sensible. Sorry. Oz-speak."  
  
"Don't worry about it. Hungry yet?" My stomach growls at the thought of food. Spike chuckles. "I guess that's a yes. Well," he gestures to the girl in the corner, who is beginning to awaken. "Have at her." 


	9. Chapter 9

Between Darkness and Light, part 9  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
  
  
The taste of blood on my tongue brings a mixture of feelings. The girl's struggles thrill me, urging me to take more, revel in the kill. But the thought of needing to take an innocent girl's life in order to sustain my own disgusts me and fills me with loathing. If vampires aren't supposed to care about their victims, why do I? Again I am plagued with the thought that I am not a "normal" vampire. Did I feel this way before I lost my memory? Or is this another result of the amnesia? Does Spike know about this? I don't think he does. He's not cruel enough (to me, at least) to force me to do something I despise. Should I tell him, or deal with it on my own? So many questions, and I don't know how to find the answers.  
  
"Better, luv?" Spike asks as I drop the cooling body to the ground.  
  
"Much. What are we going to do, Spike?"  
  
"I take it then, that you haven't remembered anything more?" I shake my head sadly and he lifts my chin so that I meet his gaze. "We'll beat this thing, Willow."  
  
"But what if we don't? What if I keep forgetting things? What then?"  
  
"You won't. But if you do, then we'll deal with this, together. Have you forgotten anything else?" He leads me across the floor and sets me on the edge of the bed.  
  
"I don't think so. I don't remember forgetting anything… Wait, that didn't come out right."  
  
"I know what you mean, luv."  
  
"Did you find out anything?" Please, let him know something, *anything* that can explain what's happening to me.  
  
"Not yet. Lucius is looking into it as we speak, and I sent a couple of the boys to talk to Willy, so if there's anything to be found, we'll find it."  
  
"And if not?"  
  
"If there's not a cure in the books, then we'll have to discover it for ourselves." He's so certain that this will all work out. Why can't I feel the same? Why can't I… Mmmmm, a back rub. He's so sweet.  
  
"Spike, why are you so nice to me?"  
  
"Come again?" I turn to face him and catch his hands in my own.  
  
"I mean, this is a lot of trouble to go through for one fledgling. You're looking for a cure that may not exist, and you've gone through so much for me already. Why are you doing this?"  
  
"I… I don't know, pet. Like I said before, you're not like other vampires. You're special. And not just because of all this. You… you remind me a lot of Drusilla. Of what she might have been, if Angelus had just turned her, instead of driving her insane."  
  
"I'm not her, Spike."  
  
"I know that, but you're like her in so many ways. She was really quite bright, in her lucid moments. But those were few and far between." Now I've gone and made him all sad again. Well, mabe the poison is also the cure.  
  
"What was she like?"  
  
"She was… like the new moon. Mysterious, with a kind of unearthly beauty to her. She was two different people, really. When she was… weak, she was like a little child. She needed protection and someone to do things for her. I loved it. She needed me. Angelus was gone, and I was the one she turned to. And then, after the ritual, she was so strong. A vampire queen. She knew what she wanted, and she knew how to get it. Nothing could stop her. She didn't need me anymore, but I needed her. I was in that bloody chair, and she took care of me for a while. Then Angel became Angelus again, and everything changed. The two of us were never the same again. She remembered what things used to be, and wanted Angelus again. I was merely second choice for when he couldn't be bothered. It destroyed her when he left again. She blamed me for helping the Slayer, and after that, it was like… she wasn't there anymore. She forgot things… basic principles of being a vampire. And it ended in her death." Wow. I don't know how to respond to that. I mean, his whole life has revolved around her, and now she's gone. What happens now? Am I the new Drusilla?  
  
"Do you… Are… Am I to be her replacement?" I don't think I can do that. The attention is great, and I do need him right now, but I don't want to be forever in her shadow.  
  
"No, Willow. No one could ever replace her. She will always be my dark goddess. But you… you shouldn't worry about such things. The sun will be up soon. Get some more rest, and I'll see what the others have found."  
  
"But I --"  
  
"Need to rest if you want to finish what you've started." He locks the door as he leaves, and once again, I am left alone with my thoughts. 


	10. Chapter 10

Between Darkness and Light, part 10  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
  
  
"We're here for you, Willow. Remember that. We'll figure out what happened and fix it. Come back tomorrow night, if you can, and we'll see what we've found." Giles! I was supposed to check in with him, and I didn't. What if he found something? He doesn't know about me forgetting. Hey, I remembered something. Wait until I tell Spike. He'll… no, wait. I can't tell him. If I do, he'll want to know what I remembered, and then he'll want to know what I was doing talking with the watcher, and then he'll know that I still have a soul, sort of, and Giles told me not to tell him, and hey, I'm remembering quite a bit. I stare in wonder as all the memories that were lost come back, slowly at first, but then with more speed until…. No, no. I didn't do that. Not Oz! How… how could I do that to him? Maybe this is like the elephants. Maybe I didn't do it after all. Then why does it seem so clear, like a memory instead of a dream?  
  
"Willow?" I turn at the sound of Spike's voice. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't notice him opening the door.  
  
"Sorry, just thinking. Did you find anything?" Maybe I remembered because he found a cure. Or Giles and Xander and Oz… no, they don't know about the amnesia. I really need to talk to them about this.  
  
"Nothing." Spike sauntered over to my side. "I'm sorry, pet, but it seems you are the first sane vampire to have amnesia."  
  
"Sane. So there was an insane vampire with the same problem?" Oh, I'm not liking this. Not liking this one bit.  
  
"Yes. Drusilla." Liking this less and less as we go on here. "She would forget things sometimes, like where she lived or that she couldn't play with crosses. And that the sunlight was harmful to her. That's why we never let her hunt alone. I was afraid she might not come back. And one time, she didn't."  
  
"Spike, I'm so sorry. I… I didn't mean to… What have I done?"  
  
"Don't blame yourself. You didn't do anything. And it won't happen again." Oh, I know how to make things better.  
  
"Something happened today, Spike."  
  
"Really, now, Red? Nice change of subject. Not very subtle, but nice. Why don't you tell me about what happened today."  
  
"I remembered."  
  
"Remembered what?"  
  
"Everything. I remember waking up, and you bringing blood, and going hunting, and meeting Oz at the Bronze, and talking to Giles in the library, and everything in between."  
  
"That's fantastic, pet. But what caused it?"  
  
"I don't know. I was kinda hoping that you had found some sort of cure and that's why I remembered. But I guess not, huh?"  
  
"No. I'll have Lucius come in to talk with you later. Maybe he can find something we can't." Spike moves toward the door, but stops when I get up to follow.  
  
"Can I go out tonight? I remembered, and that's why I was here in the first place."  
  
"No, pet. We still don't know what's causing this. What if it happens again? Besides, now that the watcher knows about you, the Slayer will be looking for you. It isn't safe." The Slayer? But Buffy's not… I never told him. And he doesn't know about what Giles knows.  
  
"Then can I go kill them?" I hate even thinking of it, but I need to talk to Giles, and it's the only way.  
  
"You'll get your chance soon enough, but for now, I want you to stay here."  
  
"So I'm to be your prisoner, then, locked up in Drusilla's old room?" If he won't react to the demon's desire to kill, maybe I can guilt him into letting me out.  
  
"Don't talk like that, Willow. You're no prisoner here. And this is no longer Dru's room, it's yours. But if you don't like it, I can have you moved to another." Oh yeah, no guilt. Hmmm….  
  
"I don't want another room, Spike. I want out of here. I'm tired of staring at the ceiling and having my meals brought to me half dead. I'm not weak like Drusilla was. I don't need to be waited on hand and foot. I want to go out in the night and rule this town like we're meant to."  
  
"And you will. But not yet." He comes toward me and I back away slightly. "Not until we find your cure." He continues to close the distance between us and grabs my arms gently. I pull away and run to the open door. I am almost out when I am suddenly pulled backward and to the ground. When I look up, Spike is once again standing between me and the door. "I'm sorry, pet. I… I didn't mean to hurt you…." He is crouching beside me, and I am suddenly filled with anger.  
  
"Don't touch me!" I hiss as I scurry away to the far side of the room. "You may not think I'm a prisoner, but that's what I am. A prisoner in this room and in this mind. I'll stay in this room, but don't think for one moment that I'm happy here. I thought you cared about me, but I was wrong. You just can't stand to be alone, so you brought me here to take Drusilla's place. You said we were alike in many ways, but there's one in which we differ. I actually started to care for you. She just needed you to care for her, and when that ended, she was off with another, wasn't she?"  
  
"Shut up, you lying, venomous little creature! How dare you criticize Dru like that? You know nothing of what we've been through for each other. You don't want your meals brought to you? Fine, I'll stop bringing them. After you stay here alone for a while, we'll see if you like being cared for any better." Spike storms out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. I can hear him yelling at the minions not to let me out or send anything into my room until he tells them otherwise. It seems I am to be alone with my thoughts for quite a while longer. What have I done? 


	11. Chapter 11

Between Darkness and Light, part 11  
  
By Isis Osiris  
  
  
  
"Willow. Xander." Angel steps out of the shadows behind us and Xander and I turn to look. There's something different about him, but in this darkness, I can't tell what.  
  
"Angel." Xander acknowledges his presence.  
  
"Thank God you're okay. Did you see Buffy?" Angel will help us. With Xander's plan and Angel's help, we'll defeat the Judge and everything will be fine.  
  
"Yeah. What's up with the lights?" Why is he still standing over there?  
  
"I don't know," Xander answers. "Listen, I think I have an idea."  
  
"Forget about that now, I… I got something to show you."  
  
Forget about the Judge? But… "Show us?" He must have a reason for not being concerned. Maybe he already beat the Judge. But that doesn't make sense, with the 'no weapon forged' stuff.  
  
"Yeah. Xander, go get the others."  
  
"Okay." Xander turns and continues towards the Library.  
  
"And Willow, come here." Why do I need to go over there? Why can't he come over here? This doesn't make sense?  
  
"What is it, Angel?"  
  
"It's amazing." He's being cryptic again. With me. He's never cryptic around me. He saves that for Buffy and impending doom situations. Oh no, maybe there's something wrong and doom and *gulp*. No way to know unless I find out. I start to walk slowly towards him.  
  
"Willow, get away form him." Jenny calls out from across the lounge.  
  
"What?" I turn to face her. She's holding up a cross at Angel? Why would she do that?  
  
"Walk to me." This really isn't making much sense. Why does she want me away form Angel? He's not going to hurt me.  
  
"What are you talking about? It's Ang-" My speech is cut off by a cool hand wrapping tightly around my throat.  
  
Xander bursts through the door. "Don't do that!"  
  
His grip tightens on my neck. "Oh, I think I do that."  
  
"Angel…." Ow, it hurts.  
  
"He's not Angel anymore. Are you?" Not Angel? What? If he's not Angel, then who is he?  
  
"Wrong. I *am* Angel." Once again, his hand closes tighter. I can barely breathe now. "At last." What does he mean by that? If he wasn't Angel before, then who was he?  
  
"Oh my God." Xander? What's going on?  
  
"I got a message for Buffy."  
  
"Why don't you give it to me yourself?" Buffy! She'll know what's going on and how to fix it. Angel spins me around so that we face her.  
  
"Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends." Bodies… friends… No! Angel wouldn't…. I'm going to die. Angel's going to kill me. He squeezes once more, and I cannot stop the cry of pain.  
  
* * * *  
  
Hands close over my shoulders and shake me. "No! Let go! Angel, please don't." I try to pull away, put I'm not strong enough.  
  
"Shh, pet. I'm not Angelus. Wake up." Not Angelus? But who… it was a dream. Only a dream.  
  
"Spike?" I struggle to open my eyes to look at him, but I'm so tired and hungry.  
  
"I've got you. It's all right. I'm so sorry pet. I'm a bad, rude man."  
  
"He… he was going to kill me, Spike. Make it go away. Make it all go away." I do not struggle as he pulls me into his arms.  
  
"I will. I promise, Red. It was just a dream. Angelus is gone. He can't hurt you anymore. Are you hungry?"  
  
"Starving."  
  
"Here." He offers me his own throat. "I know you don't want your meals brought to you, but I think you'll agree that you're too weak to hunt right now. Eat now, and when you've got your strength back, I promise you I'll take you hunting all night long if you like." I pierce the pale skin along the carotid artery and slowly drink the blood that flows into my mouth.  
  
"Thank you, Spike. I'm sorry… for what I said. I didn't mean it."  
  
"It's forgotten, pet. I heard you call out, and I was so afraid that… I thought I was losing you. Don't leave me, Willow." He holds me close to him, and I begin to relax back into sleep.  
  
"You're wrong, though." I murmur against his chest.  
  
"How's that?"  
  
"About Angel. He'll be back. And it's going to change everything." I finish before a peaceful sleep claims me. 


	12. Chapter 12

Between Darkness and Light, part 12  
  
I awake slowly from the most restful sleep I've had in a while. Right now, nothing can bother me. I feel at peace with the world. Then I open my eyes to see that I am not alone. Spike is lying beside me, contentedly watching me sleep.  
  
"Evening, luv."  
  
"Hi," I yawn and stretch like a cat. "How long have you been there?"  
  
"All day. Did you sleep well?"  
  
"Mmm-hmmm. Like a baby." I turn away from him for a moment, ashamed. "Spike, I… I want to apologize for my behavior recently. You're right, I've been childish and selfish, and you were only doing what's best for me. Can you forgive me?"  
  
"Willow. Look at me." He turns me so that I am again facing him. "There's nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong. You acted just as any other vampire would. If it were me, I would have done the same thing. Well, I probably would have used violence instead of pleading, but you'll get there in time."  
  
"But - "  
  
"Shh. No buts. I shouldn't have treated you that way. You were right. I treated you like I did Dru, and you're not her. And you're not a child, either. I shouldn't have regarded you as helpless."  
  
"Gosh, now we're both acting like Angelus. What's come over us?" I joke with mock horror. Apparently, that wasn't the smartest of things to say. Spike's eyes flashed gold before he regained control over his anger.  
  
"Don't *ever* compare either of us to him again."  
  
"I… I'm sorry. I was only kidding. How about a truce, though? I won't compare you to Angelus, and you don't compare me to Drusilla. Okay?"  
  
"Fair enough, pet. Speaking of Angelus, what did you mean he'd be back?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Yesterday, before you fell asleep, you said he'll be back, and it's going to change things. What did you mean?"  
  
"I don't know. It… it was probably just babble from being tired. I tend to do that. Babble. When I'm tired, and nervous. And other times, when I'm just wide awake and calm and not nervous at all. Like now." Angel coming back? Why would I have said something like that? I must have been really tired.  
  
"If you say so, pet. Are you ready to go?"  
  
"Go?"  
  
"Hunting, remember? Unless you've changed your mind, again."  
  
"No, no… I'm good to go here. But, do you think maybe we could leave the watcher and my friends alone for tonight? I mean, if they expect me to come after them, then they'll be ready, and that wouldn't be a good thing, right? It would be a bad thing. Bad, bad, very bad. So, maybe we could just find some random people in the park or something? And then play with the others later when they don't expect it." They wouldn't kill me, but Spike might want to know why they're still alive if I don't kill one of them. And I can't kill them. I hate to kill anyone, but I have to feed to live, right?  
  
"Anything you want, pet. Shall we, then?" He offers me his arm and we stroll out of the room together once again. 


	13. Chapter 13

Between Darkness and Light. Part 13  
  
As the blood courses down my throat, I am careful to feel for the pulse of my victim so that I may stop before it does. The fear that is contained in this life-giving liquid excites me, and it is difficult to pull back, but as the beating under my fingertips fades into near nonexistence, I do just that, dropping the body to the ground with as much care as I dare use and watching the blood pool at the twin puncture holes that I caused. The power is thrilling, to know that if I had taken more, then this girl who now lay in unconsciousness before me would be dead. To be neither living nor dead….  
  
"Red?" Spike's voice interrupts my thoughts.  
  
"Hmmm?" I reply, not taking my eyes from the rivulets of red forming patterns on unnaturally pale skin.  
  
"Why'd you do that?"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Let her live."  
  
"Oh." What am I going to say? I'm sorry, Spike, but you see, I seem to have a soul of some sort, so I can't kill anyone. Well, except maybe murderers and criminals and oh, the guy who always calls during dinner to offer you a credit card even though you've told him that you don't want one the last five times he's called. Or maybe -  
  
"Pet?"  
  
"Wha? Oh yeah, why I didn't kill her. Well, I… I'm full."  
  
"You're full?"  
  
"Yeah. Why, is that unusual?"  
  
"Well, normally no, but you've barely had anything to eat in days, and that girl wouldn't have satisfied the annoying one."  
  
"The Annoying… oh, you mean the Anointed one. Well, I have a slow metabolism."  
  
"Right. No matter." Spike pulled me away from the alley and we walked back towards the mansion. "She'll probably be dead by morning anyway." Dead? Oh, what have I done? "Willow, do you want to handle this, or should I take care of him for you?" I follow his gaze to a figure walking ahead of us. Xander.  
  
"I… I'll handle it, Spike. Just… just wait here for me unless I call for you, okay?" I do not wait for his answer as I begin to walk towards the boy who used to be my best friend. "Xander."  
  
"Willow." He stops when he sees me and starts to turn away.  
  
"Xander, don't do this, please."  
  
"What did we do wrong, Willow? Why couldn't you - "  
  
"I didn't have a choice."  
  
"Yes you did. You didn't have to go to him. You could have told us. You could have told us what was going on even if you did go to him. That way - "  
  
"That way you could have killed me when I rose? Thanks a lot, Xander. I didn't know you cared. I had to do this. I couldn't let him hurt you. He told me he wouldn't, and he hasn't, so far. He said he would take me far away from Sunnydale and he wouldn't lay a hand on any of you. I know this isn't much of a life, but it's all I have. Be honest with me. If I had told you that I was going to become a vampire and that there was nothing you could do to stop it, would you have let me live?"  
  
"Well, we would have - "  
  
"Honestly."  
  
"No, probably not. But we didn't know what to think. First Buffy leaves and then you give us a letter that says that you'll never be seeing us again. It hurt, Willow. It hurt us all."  
  
"I know, Xander, and if I could do it over, I… I don't know what I would have done, but I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry."  
  
"I know, Will, and I'm sorry too. What is it with vampires anyway? First there's Buffy and Angel, and now you and Spike. Cordy would probably be with Jesse if I hadn't…"  
  
"Staked him? Probably, but we don't even want to go there. If you hadn't, then we would probably already both be vampires, and the master would have risen. You can't change the past. Jesse's dead, and I'm some weird vampire with a soul, sometimes. Has Giles found anything?"  
  
"Actually, he thinks he might have. We've all been looking for you. He needs to talk to you as soon as possible. He says your life may depend on it. Of course, he may just be exaggerating. You know how everything is 'end of the world' to him."  
  
"Tell him I'll come to him as soon as I can."  
  
"Where have you been, anyway?"  
  
"Spike wouldn't let me out. There have been some… complications… with my situation."  
  
"Complications? What do you mean? Has he hurt you? If he has, so help me, I'll - "  
  
"Xander, stop. It's nothing like that. He… he's been wonderfully kind to me, really. Well, except for when he locked me in my room, but I deserved it." I look past him and tense as I see the figure approaching us. I told him to wait back there for me.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Do you trust me?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Do you trust me?"  
  
"Of course I do, Will, but what - "  
  
"When I let go of you, drop to the ground and pretend to be unconscious." I grab his arms amd pull him close to me.  
  
"Okay, but why?"  
  
"This may sting a little." I lean in and carefully pierce the skin near his collarbone, avoiding any major veins or arteries. Seconds later, I release him without drinking any of the precious fluid. As I asked, he collapses to the ground and remains motionless. I step over him and join Spike as we continue on our way home. "I thought you were going to wait for me back there." He shrugs noncommittally and keeps walking.  
  
"I thought you were full." I shrug and we stroll the rest of the way in silence. 


	14. Chapter 14

Between Darkness and Light, Part 14  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Pretty please? I promise I'll be good. And I can take care of myself, you know."  
  
"I know, but the answer is still no."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I don't want you out by yourself. The Slayer and her friends know about you and they're still out there. You couldn't even feed without running in to one of them last night." But I *want* to run into them. I have to talk to Giles and tell him what's going on.  
  
"But I took care of him, didn't I?" Well, if you count talking to him and pretending to kill him without really doing anything to him…  
  
"Yes, you did, pet, but I still - "  
  
"So why won't you let me go out? If I can handle Xander, I can handle any of them. I'll be fine, honest. I… I just need some time out by myself. I swear, if I don't spend some time alone, I'll go insane." Spike flinches at that. Not a good sign.  
  
"It takes a lot more than being with me to drive someone insane. Believe me, I know. I'm not the one who made Dru the way she is. That was your friend Angel. It was the solitude that did it for her. Not knowing when the next attack would come. The wondering and waiting." Very not good sign. Angry Spike bad. Very bad.  
  
"I… I didn't mean it that way, Spike, honest. I just meant that - "  
  
"That you want to get away from me. That you can't stand my presence."  
  
"No! That's not what I meant at all. I - "  
  
"Well, if you want to be alone, then have at it. Although I seem to recall that you didn't bloody well like it the last time I left you, did you? Well, pet," the venom in his voice covers any affection usually associated with that term, "we'll see if you're any more accustomed to it this time. You barely lasted a day before. Let's see how you handle a week alone. Is that enough time by yourself to keep you sane?" He stalks out the door without even hearing my protests. Why do I do this to myself?  
  
The dolls are staring at me. Accusing me. I am evil, they tell me. I stole Spike from his princess, and I'm not being a good little lady. I will never be made a princess like this. They glare at me unceasingly until I am sure they will get up and attack. But they are just dolls, and I know they cannot. So why do I feel as if they watch me for someone?  
  
Perhaps if they cannot see me, then I will feel better. I turn them around and lay on the bed, string back at them. But it is no use. They now face the cracked mirror, and I can see their reflections in front of the absence of my own. I find some scraps of gauzy cloth and use it as blindfolds to cover their piercing gaze. The feeling of being watched is gone, but now I hear their voices louder than ever. "She's going to hurt our Spike." "No, Spike is strong, he won't let her, but she might get hurt if she isn't careful." "She will get hurt even if she is. See, she hurts now. We are hurting her without even trying. But the pain ends soon and she will be our new mother. She will be Spike's Princess then." "And will we have parties too?" "Yes, every day. With cakes and tea. And we will be happy then."  
  
"Stop it! Stop talking to me! You're dolls. You can't speak. Please stop." I hold my head in my hands and collapse to the floor as the chatter continues.  
  
"Poor dear. She hurts so much, but she is fighting it. It would be over so fast if she only accepted it and gave in. We're not such a bad lot are we, Mrs. Anna?" "No, Miss Edith, but she isn't ready for us yet. She's still too strong. But she cannot fight forever."  
  
I have to get out of here. Unless Spike really does want another Drusilla, I have to get away, and fast. I crawl to the door, still trying to block out the dolls' conversation. Spike was right. The solitude is much worse. Maybe he's outside just waiting for me to call him. No, he said a week. And he was really mad this time. But maybe I can get someone else's attention if I bang on the door. Unless, of course, he sent everyone away. I reach up to pound on the thick metal, and it moves slowly but smoothly under my touch. He left the door slightly open. And he won't be back for a week. This is my chance. I creep slowly out of the door, looking for minions, but I find none. He must really want to insure my privacy. Well, at least he cares, sort of.  
  
As I reach the main hall, my stance changes. No longer skulking along the hall like someone who has just escaped imprisonment, I now assume the confidence and grace of the Master's chosen companion. With this attitude, no one dares question my right to be there or to leave the building. 


	15. Chapter 15

Between Darkness and Light, part 15  
  
After the lively chatter of the dolls, the absolute silence of Sunnydale High School is deafening. I make no sound as I walk down the once familiar halls. Now they seem foreign, a reminder of who and what I once was. The lack of my own pulse pounding in my ears only serves to increase the dramatic tension I feel.  
  
As I near the library, I can make out a few sounds. Namely, heartbeats. There are two, and I recognize one as Xander. I assume the other is either Giles or Cordelia. From the lack of other… sounds, I can assume that it is Giles. Their pulses are racing, from fear. But why should they be afraid? And why aren't they discussing a prophecy or something else Hellmouth-y?  
  
"Giles? Xander? Are you there?" I know they're there, but they seem to be trying to hide. They probably don't know that it's me, but now that they do, they'll come out. Nothing. "Giles? It's me, Willow." I reach the Library. Still nothing but heartbeats. I push the doors open and step inside. The lights are off. "Giles, I know you and Xander are in here. I can hear your heartbeats. Why is it so dark? It's bad for your eyes to read like this." I scold them gently as I walk to the light switches. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain in my shoulder and then all is dark.  
  
* * * *  
  
"How much did you put in there?"  
  
"I didn't have time to load a new dart. I used one of the old ones."  
  
"You used a werewolf dart on Willow? Giles, what were you thinking? She could be out for days. She's not - "  
  
"A creature with supernatural abilities, including accelerated healing?"  
  
"I still don't see why you had to shoot her like that. She came here to talk. I told you that."  
  
"She bit you."  
  
"Yeah, but she didn't even drink from me. And she did warn me."  
  
"But you don't know why she did that, do you?"  
  
"She didn't have time. There was something wrong. I could tell. She tensed up, and she got really scared."  
  
"Xander, that's one of the demon's best tricks, especially for young females. Act scared and helpless and win the trust of - "  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"She's waking up."  
  
"She's been awake." I reply. "And now she's fighting a horrible headache. I think I'm the first vampire to ever suffer from migraines." Keeping my eyes tightly shut, I slowly pull myself into a sitting position. "It feels like one of the Dingoes' drum solos is being played on my skull." There shouldn't be that much pounding. One, two, three… four heartbeats? "Okay, either the two of you have cloned or there's more people here."  
  
"Um, yes. It's… it appears that the… second choice would be correct."  
  
"What he's trying to say, Willow, is that you're really lucky that no one ever comes in here." Cordelia is one, then the other must be…  
  
"Oz?"  
  
"I'm here." I slowly open my eyes to look at them but am greeted by… a metal grate?  
  
"Giles, what's going on? What are you guys doing in the book cage?"  
  
"We're not."  
  
"But then… you locked me up?"  
  
"Gee, *somebody* catches on really quick today."  
  
"Cordy…"  
  
"No, Xander, don't 'Cordy' me. Here she is, the brains of this group, ad what does she do? She willingly goes to a vampire… one that has tried to kill us several times, I might add… and gets herself killed. Then she shows up at the Bronze, looking better than she ever did while she was alive and attacks her boyfriend. Then she comes here and pretends to have a soul before disappearing for a week. The next time she shows up, she bites you. And last night, she had the audacity to come here as if nothing had happened. For someone who's supposed to be so smart, she sure is doing some dumb things."  
  
"Cordelia, tact. Use it."  
  
"What? Did I say something untrue? Or did I just hurt your girlfriend's feelings? She - "  
  
"Can hear every word you're saying. When you put it that way, Cordy, I did some really stupid things, but it wasn't that simple. I - "  
  
"Had to do it to save us, I know. I've heard the story."  
  
"Giles," I turn to the librarian. "Why am I in here? Do you trust me so little you have to knock me out and lock me up to tell me what you've found?"  
  
"No, of course not. We… that is to say, I…"  
  
"After you bit me, Giles thought maybe you pulled an Angelus again."  
  
"I did promise to lock you up if it happened again."  
  
"Yes, you did." I reply absently, recalling our prior conversation. "Xander said you might have found a cure for me. Did you?"  
  
"Well, not exactly."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I found a mention of a similar case in one of these books." He gestured to a large stack of leather-bound volumes on the table behind him. "And then I found mentions of what I think may be the same problem in a few of the Watchers' Diaries, but nothing certain. And it wasn't a cure that I found."  
  
"What was it, exactly?"  
  
"There is mention of a vampire in the late 1800's. I'm not sure of the exact date, however. Books back then didn't come with publishing dates, especially if they were journals. It makes it terribly difficult to catalogue them properly in the card index."  
  
"Giles, get to the point."  
  
"Yes, erm. Anyway, there was a vampire who would alternate between vicious brutality and confessions to whatever priest she could find. This occurred for several months before the confessions stopped. The later occurrences are not well documented, and it appears that many of the priests were killed at the end of these sessions. It is believed that she went insane and killed herself. The Watcher Journals give a few very brief mentions of vampires who plead for their lives and expressed extreme sorrow and guilt for their deeds before ultimately staking themselves."  
  
"None of them lived?" My voice is a whisper as the impact of my situation hit me.  
  
"If they did, there is no record of it."  
  
"Then there is no hope for me."  
  
"No, I won't accept that! Giles, there must be something that we've missed. Is there anything they have in common."  
  
"Not that I can tell. The first lived in England, near Stonehenge. The others have lived in places such as Jerusalem, Egypt, India, Mexico, and the mountains of South America."  
  
"What about their sire? Was it the same guy?"  
  
"No, Xander. Not that I can tell. I wish I knew more to help you, Willow."  
  
"Wait, Giles. I may have something."  
  
"What are you thinking of, Willow?"  
  
"Stonehenge was a center of Druid ceremony, right?"  
  
"Yes, as far as research has shown."  
  
"Jerusalem is an important place in the histories of Christian, Jewish, and Muslim religions. Egypt has significance to the Israelites. Buddha is from India, and there are legends concerning the mystical practices of Mexico and the Inca."  
  
"You think this has something to do with religious freaks?"  
  
"No, Cordelia, I think she's looking beyond the obvious. It has been debated that many of the major religious landmarks are actually small Hellmouths. It's really quite interesting, considering the Hellmouth's power to destroy and the tendency for these civilizations to disappear without a trace. Some even consider the missing colony of Roanoke to be the result of this very phenomenon. You think that the gathering of mystical energies in these places may have affected these vampires, Willow?"  
  
"Well, it's all I can think of for now. I know it won't be the only cause, but it's a start. And it's something I have in common with them."  
  
"In that case, I suggest you leave immediately."  
  
"What do you mean? Why do I need to leave? And where do I go?"  
  
"This Hellmouth is dangerous for you, Willow. The power here is inestimable, and if that is what is causing your condition, you need to get as far away from here as possible."  
  
"But what if I'm wrong? How will I be able to contact you? What if something goes wrong? I can't deal with this alone."  
  
"I'm not expecting you to. I want you to take Spike. You said he wanted to get out of here. He's only staying here for you. As strange as it seems, he cares for you. He has, as far as I can tell, been unnaturally kind to you. Take him and leave Sunnydale. If there are problems or further developments, see that you take your computer so that we may contact one another via e-mail. I'll get… someone to show me how to use the dread machine."  
  
"Oz can show you." I say quietly as he unlocks the cage door. "Thank you, Giles. I will come back to help once we solve this."  
  
"Yes, of course. I wouldn't have it any other way."  
  
"I'll miss you all. I guess I should say my good-byes now. I doubt that I'll be able to get away again before we leave. Spike won't let me out alone, and if he comes with me, he'll expect to find at least one of your bodies missing a heartbeat when I leave." I turn to look at Xander. "That's why I… bit you the other night. I had to. Spike was coming, and he would have suspected something if I did nothing more than talk to you and you didn't try to stake me. Can you ever forgive me?"  
  
"I already did, Will."  
  
"Oz, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. This really isn't the way I wanted our relationship to end. Take care of yourself for me, okay?"  
  
Never one for unnecessary words, he simply nodded and wrapped me in a hug.  
  
"Cordy, I… I don't really know what to say. Thank you. Your lack of tact often kept us on track when we started to wander. It's been a great help. Take care of Xander, since I won't be able to." I step over to her and give her a quick hug. As I step back, she wipes her eyes carefully.  
  
"Why'd you have to do that, Willow? If I'd known this was going to happen, I would have worn waterproof mascara."  
  
"Giles… I don't even know where to begin. You've done so much for me. You should have staked me that first night I showed up here as a vampire. But instead you've helped me beyond repayment."  
  
"Your assistance has been invaluable, as well."  
  
"Well, I guess I should be going. I will keep in touch. You have my e-mail address, Oz, and I have yours and the library's phone number. If anything turns up, tell me, and I'll do the same."  
  
"Of course."  
  
I walk slowly out of the library and into the night, afraid that I may never see my friends again. 


	16. Chapter 16

Between Darkness and Light, Part 16  
  
I walk slowly back toward the mansion, sad and scared. Sad because I must leave my friends and everyone who ever cared for me, and scared because I must now get Spike to leave without telling him the real reason why. Let's see... I could tell him that Sunnydale's boring and I want to go find Buffy so I can kill a slayer, too. No, he doesn't know that Buffy's gone, and if I tell him, he'll definitely go, but then either he or I will have to kill her, and I don't want that. Or maybe I could say that Sunnydale's too dangerous for me right now, and I need to go somewhere without a slayer so I can adjust to the whole "being a vampire" thing. Who am I kidding? After all my protestations that I'm strong enough to go out on my own and take care of myself, I expect him to accept that I've decided I'm too weak to survive here? That's not very likely. What can I tell him?  
  
I look around and find that I am already at the mansion. Great. Well, at least I have the rest of the week to figure something out. Maybe the dolls will tell me something useful. I turn the corner and walk down the short hall to my room. The door is slightly ajar. I thought I'd pushed it closed when I left. I guess not. I'll have to be more careful next time. Not that there will ever be a next time. It's a good thing Spike decided to ignore me for a week. He'd surely notice that. I cross the room to the small closet now full of the clothes Spike bought for me. The dress I now wear is wrinkled and dirty from lying on the floor all day. I pull out another, this one a long and flowing sheath of midnight blue.  
  
"Did you enjoy your outing, pet?" I turn and freeze, the dress slipping through my fingers and falling to the floor. Spike sat watching me from the vanity chair.  
  
"I... uh... I thought you were going to leave me alone for a week."  
  
"I was. But one of the boys saw you leaving without me, and he thought it was a bit unusual that someone as young as you, especially since I've been so protective of you, would not only go out without me, but also without anyone else."  
  
"Oh. How mad are you, Spike?" I can finally move again, and I turn and look at the floor of the closet.  
  
"Willow, what have I told you about looking away when I talk to you?"  
  
"Sorry," I mumble as I face him and force myself to hold his gaze. He stands and slowly walks toward me.  
  
"Why did you leave?"  
  
"I... I'm sorry, Spike, I didn't want to, but - "  
  
"Yes, you did."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You did want to leave. That's why I told you to stay. Now tell me the truth. Why did you want to leave?"  
  
"Well, I was going to stay like you asked, but I had to get away from the dolls. They were talking to one another and saying all sorts of horrible things about me. They said they were going to hurt me and then we would all have cakes and tea."  
  
"The dolls were talking to you about having cakes and tea?"  
  
"Uh-huh. And that I'm not your princess yet, but I will be after they hurt me." Spike turns abruptly and stalks over to the doll shelf. He stands there with his back to me for a moment before whipping around to face me again, his demon face showing.  
  
"So that's it, huh? You're not my Princess now, are you? And you were the one that didn't want to be compared to Dru. What, didn't get enough attention that way? I told you I didn't want another Drusilla. But I guess you don't really care, do you?" He crosses the room in long strides and I find myself backing away from him. I feel the wall at my back and stop, but he continues closing the distance between us and wraps his hand around my throat, pushing me more firmly against the wall. "Tell me, did you really not remember those days, or was that another of your tricks? It seems that you miraculously recovered when you got the attention you craved."  
  
"Spike," I gasp at his ever-tightening grip, "please…"  
  
"Please what, Willow? Please give you the attention you want? Please let you do as you wish? What is it you want, Willow?"  
  
"Please, Spike. You're hurting me."  
  
"My words hurt, do they? Not as much as yours hurt me. She was my princess, and more. You'll never be her. I didn't want you to be. Why, Willow? Why do you want to hurt me like this?"  
  
"Spike," I plead through my pain, "your hand… it hurts."  
  
"Wha…?" The pain in my voice causes him to notice what he is doing to me. The demonic visage fades and he lets go of me. I stumble to the floor and gently rub the finger-shaped welts marring my neck. He reaches for me, and I instinctively back away, but the wall stops me. He continues, and I hiss in pain and fear as his fingertips brush the injured skin. "Oh, Willow. I'm so sorry," He whispers. I can only stare back with hurt in my eyes. 


	17. Chapter 17

Between Darkness and Light, Part 17  
  
"You think I did this on purpose?" I ask. "You think that I would do something like that to you… that I *could* do something like that to anyone, let alone you? How could you?"  
  
"Will… I… I'm sorry."  
  
"And that's supposed to fix everything? It certainly didn't when it was the other way around. But I guess that's just one of those Sire/Childe things, huh? I have to give an explanation and be punished, but you can just say you're sorry, and all's right with the world."  
  
"No it isn't!" Spike's growl tears me from my own tirade, and I sit silently for a few moments, waiting for him to continue. "I am sorry, but that's not an excuse. I… I don't have one. I'm not really used to the whole 'having a reason for what I do' thing, so work with me, okay?" I nod for him to go on.  
  
"I worry about you, pet. It's true, I saw a lot of Drusilla in you. But I saw what she might have been… Drusilla in all her glory. And then I saw it start to fade away. I shut you away in here, hoping that whatever it was couldn't get to you. But it did. And the other day when you wanted to go out without me, I was scared of losing you."  
  
"Spike, you don't have to do this…"  
  
"Yes I do! Now just listen to me. I didn't know what to do. You were becoming Dru, and there was nothing I could do about it. I needed something to blame, and - "  
  
"And I was there."  
  
"Yeah. No! I didn't want to, but it was the only thing that made sense. I kept talking about Dru, and you kept becoming more like her."  
  
"I don't want to be Drusilla. I don't want to go insane. But I don't want to be a toy you can lock up when you're done playing, either."  
  
"I don't want it either, pet. What should we do to make it right. It won't be easy. Demons don't change easily, but I'm willing to try."  
  
"How about a fresh start? We'll go somewhere else, and start over as if none of this ever happened, except that I'm still a vampire."  
  
"All right, Red. I wanted to leave Sunnydale soon, too. That's why I came in here in the first place. Lucius found something, or thinks he did, anyway."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your… condition… is being caused by Sunnydale. Or more specifically, people in Sunnydale."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The Slayer."  
  
"What? That's impossible! She's not - " Oh, good one, Rosenberg. Tell the vampire that the Slayer's gone and you've known about it. Now just tell him that you've been consorting with the enemy.  
  
"She's not what, pet?"  
  
"She's…" Now what? "She's not capable of that kind of thing. That's powerful magic. She's a Slayer, not a Witch."  
  
"No, but her Watcher knows spells."  
  
"Giles? You think Giles did this to me? But why?"  
  
"Think about it. He knew you were a vampire. He knows spells. You lost your memory after you attacked him. It makes sense." Will, just go along with the nice vampire. He'll stop asking questions, and you can leave like Giles suggested.  
  
"I guess you're right. I just don't see why he would do that to me. I was - "  
  
"It doesn't matter what you were. It's what you are. He can't accept it. It is his duty to destroy what you've become, and that is why we need to leave as soon as possible."  
  
"Where will we go?"  
  
"Anywhere you wish, pet. I thought we'd tour Europe for a while, and once he's forgotten about you, we can come back and get your revenge. Now," He stood and pulled me up beside him, "We'll have one last night of fun in Sunnydale, and tomorrow we'll make all the arrangements to leave."  
  
I pick up the dress that still lay on the floor, and cross to the bed. Spike moves to the door so that I may have my privacy. As he steps out of the room, I call out to him. "Spike?"  
  
"Yes, ducks?"  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Taking care of me. Caring for me. Everything."  
  
"The pleasure is all mine. Thank you for letting me." 


End file.
